Many times, we look back at something from the past and think, “Man, why did I react like that?” And now you feel that you didn’t want to react that way, or now you don’t want to react that way. Why does this happen? Have you ever thought about it? It happens because we hold expectations. Yes, the same expectation that we have heard people talk about in philosophy or while giving life advice, saying that “your expectation was misplaced.” But what exactly is expectation? Expectation is our way of thinking, or you could say, the way we see the world. Different people have understood expectations in different ways. For example, according to psychology, expectation is a model that we create for the future, or you could say it is an illusion that we have created for ourselves. We think that this will happen or that will happen. This certainty that we have created in our brain—when it actually happens in reality, everything feels fine. But most of the time it doesn’t happen, because it was only a prediction. And when that prediction doesn’t come true, we get hurt. Albert Ellis also says something similar in his book: Who hurts us—people or expectation? In reality, it is an expectation. We expect something, and when that expectation is not fulfilled, we feel bad. We reach our lowest point. So then, whose fault was it—the expectation or the people?

But that doesn’t mean that we are always wrong, or you could say that our expectation is always wrong. In neuroscience, the brain is called a prediction machine. It doesn’t take things as input; instead, it predicts them on its own in a predefined way. I will discuss this predefined part later, but what is this prediction? It is what we start believing. Many times, we already know that the other person may also say no to something. That itself is a prediction, and at the same time, yes is also a prediction. But if they do say no, it hurts us a little less, because we had already predicted that no was possible. If we had never predicted that no, it would have hurt even more. But this yes or no, or what is already good or bad—how do we think about it? Doesn’t that mean the fault lies here? Because if the brain didn’t make the wrong prediction, we wouldn’t get hurt, reality wouldn’t feel this painful, and we wouldn’t build expectations in the first place. But this idea of what is good, or from whom and how we should hold expectations, also comes from somewhere. It comes from society. When we are born, we don’t have any expectation or desire. It begins when society tells us what a good boy is, what a good boyfriend is, who is beautiful, who will look good, who is good according to everyone, and we start building those same expectations in our mind. This is what happens, and these predefined ideas keep increasing our expectations as we move forward. And when those expectations are not fulfilled, we become unhappy.

But that’s not the only reason. There is one more reason. Whenever we start liking someone, our expectation from them starts increasing. Or you could say that with some people, expectation naturally starts growing because they begin to feel special. The reason behind this is the special attention we give to someone. Because of that, whenever such thoughts come into our mind, expectation begins to form around that person, or even around ourselves because of that person. We can see many examples of this. Like after finding someone beautiful or attractive, we start holding different kinds of expectations from them, even if those expectations were never spoken out loud. Or when a teacher considers a student to be intelligent and gives them special attention, even a normal student sometimes starts performing much better, simply because the teacher gave them that special attention

In the same way, sometimes the special attention we give to someone increases their closeness with us, and as that closeness grows, our expectation also keeps growing. Because the human brain understands only two things—profit or loss. Whenever it puts effort into something, it naturally starts expecting something in return. It expects that its expectation will be fulfilled. But when that doesn’t happen, the pain keeps increasing, and love and attachment slowly take the form of hatred. But some people believe that there is no expectation in love. Philosophy also says the same thing—do not hold expectations. Remember where we started. Earlier, your reaction was different, and now it is different. Why? Because now that expectation is no longer there. We have understood reality. In reality, holding expectations is one of the biggest causes of suffering. Gautama Buddha said this a long time ago, but we still couldn’t truly understand it. For example, if you don’t hold any expectation in return from someone for what you have done, then even if they don’t do anything for you, wouldn’t you feel less hurt? And if they don’t, then whatever they do beyond your effort will be something that we call greater than expectation. That is why, if you truly want to love someone or feel attached to someone, even if the other person or the situation doesn’t feel the same, or has nothing to do with you, then don’t hold expectations from them. Expectation may or may not bring happiness—that is never confirmed—but it can definitely bring pain. Maybe not today, but one day, it will.

But that also doesn’t mean there should never be any expectation. Sometimes expectation becomes a motivation, and sometimes it doesn’t. It can either fade away after getting hurt repeatedly, or it can keep us going, holding on to the hope that maybe, someday… it will happen.